


light up the dark

by jaemarked



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Making Out, Non-Sexual Intimacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24637993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemarked/pseuds/jaemarked
Summary: “Mark Lee,” Jaemin says dramatically, sitting up on his knees. “Are you saying I’m your muse?”Mark sighs, though his blush darkens visibly. “Yeah, Jaemin. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
Relationships: Mark Lee/Na Jaemin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 164





	light up the dark

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bunnieju](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnieju/gifts).



> surprise bunnie! this has been in the works for a long time but i finally managed to finish it ^^ i hope you have more good days because you deserve it. thank you for being my friend.
> 
> also a quick shout out to hui for betaing this for me -- you're amazing

Mark looks pretty like this.

He always looks pretty, but as he lay sprawled on the grass, basking in the glow of the setting sun, with his long, dark eyelashes fanning across his cheekbones, Jaemin immediately has to bring his camera to his eye and take a photo.

The click of the shutter resounding has Mark stirring, blinking his eyes open to reveal caramel hued irises lit up by the sunlight. He squints, one hand coming up to shield his eyes from the bright rays.

“What are you doing?” he inquires, his voice low and raspy from his nap. Jaemin lowers the camera, though he doesn’t take his eyes off of his boyfriend.

“Taking pictures,” Jaemin says, stating the obvious. Mark slowly sits up, his hair adorably ruffled from laying flat in the grass. His white t-shirt is stained with green streaks from when they were wrestling earlier. He has a leaf tangled in his dark locks and mud on his jeans from slipping when Jaemin chased him along the river bank. He’s never looked more beautiful. Jaemin is tempted to take more pictures, but Mark gets grumpy when Jaemin pays more attention to his camera than his boyfriend.

“Should we head home? It’ll be dark soon,” Mark says, standing up and brushing off his clothes. Jaemin pouts, pulling off the camera strap around his neck and packing his precious device into its case for safekeeping.

“I don’t want our date to end.” Earlier today, Mark had picked him up from class. This was a usual occurrence, but when Jaemin had climbed into Mark’s car, there was a picnic basket and blanket in the backseat. Mark drove them to one of the nicest parks in the city, and they had an impromptu date right there on the riverbank. 

Mark rolls his eyes, but he crouches down to Jaemin’s level and cups his face to give him a sweet, lingering kiss, his thumb brushing against Jaemin’s cheekbones. Jaemin gasps a little, wrapping his arms around Mark’s neck and pulling him down. They kiss lazily for a while to the soundtrack of rushing water and chirping crickets, until Mark pulls away and Jaemin completely forgets why he was sulking in the first place.

“You can come over to my place and we can watch a movie.” 

Jaemin loves going to Mark’s. He has a big apartment that he shares with a grad student named Lee Taeyong, although his roommate is never home, and it’s much nicer and warmer than Jaemin’s own apartment that he shares with Jeno and Donghyuck. 

“Can we order food?” Jaemin asks excitedly, giving Mark relentless puppy eyes as he leaps to his feet.

“You just ate?” Mark replies, bewildered. They’ve been dating for so long, and were friends for even longer, yet Mark still underestimates how much Jaemin can eat. Jaemin gives him his best puppy eyes, and he eventually relents. “Okay, okay, fine. What do you wanna get?”

He stoops to pack up the empty containers from their picnic, placing them in the woven, cloth-lined basket that he most likely borrowed from Taeyong. Jaemin helps by folding up the blanket they’d been sitting on, then rolling it to tuck under his arm as he waits for Mark to finish.

Finally, they walk hand in hand back to the parking lot, putting their things in the trunk of Mark’s car. Jaemin refuses to let go once they’re buckled in, so Mark drives with one hand, the other still intertwined with Jaemin’s. Mark lets Jaemin choose the music, as always, and Jaemin sings along happily, staring out the window as the sky darkens. 

They don’t get to spend much time together—Mark’s always busy with research projects or recording songs for Taeyong, and Jaemin has football practice, musical rehearsals, and papers to write. Their schedules are so packed that Jaemin cherishes moments like these.

It’s also rare for Mark to do romantic gestures like spontaneous picnic dates. It’s not that he doesn’t try, but he’s awkward at best and hopeless at his worst when it comes to romance. 

It doesn’t matter, though. Jaemin is already wooed. 

They bicker over food choices (Jaemin wants chicken, Mark wants burgers) until Mark eventually relents. Jaemin places the order on UberEats as they head up to Mark’s apartment, making sure to get an extra serving for Taeyong. Mark’s roommate has always tolerated Jaemin sleeping over most nights, and has fed him breakfast on more than one occasion, so Jaemin does his best to repay the favour. 

Tumbling into Mark’s apartment, Jaemin sheds his shoes and jacket to flop on the couch, immediately snuggling up with a throw blanket. Mark is a lot more refined when he sits, but Jaemin immediately tugs him down so he’s laying with his head in Jaemin’s lap. He loves playing with Mark’s hair as they talk, and his fingers tangle easily in raven locks as Mark closes his eyes again, the movie completely forgotten.

Mark isn’t sleeping, but Jaemin takes the time to admire him again, running the pad of his index finger along the curve of Mark’s cheekbone, stopping at the pretty mole that marked his skin. Mark covers it up with concealer for photos, and Jaemin hates that, tries to tell Mark how pretty it looks, but Mark doesn’t listen to him.

Mark’s eyes are open again, and he’s watching Jaemin watch him. There’s something comforting in the silence as Jaemin drinks in the sight of Mark’s face, finally relaxed and free of any stress-related wrinkles. He gently touches the tiny acne scars that speckle Mark’s jaw, rubbing Mark’s bottom lip with his thumb. The skin is soft after he and Jaemin invested in quality chapsticks and lip scrubs, and Jaemin is hit with the sudden _need_ to kiss Mark.

“Sit up,” Jaemin urges, tugging at Mark’s shoulder. “Sit up, sit up.”

Mark, bewildered, still complies, lifting his head up from Jaemin’s lap and bringing his legs off the couch until he’s sitting straight. Jaemin twists so he’s on his knees facing Mark, and he shoves Mark until he topples against the back of the couch.

“Jaemin, what—“ Mark begins, but cuts himself off when Jaemin straddles his lap, fisting the collar of Mark’s shirt and pulling him in until their lips meet. Mark makes a noise of surprise that’s immediately swallowed by Jaemin, who doesn’t waste time before eagerly licking into Mark’s mouth, pressing closer until their torsos align. Mark’s hands come up to rest on his waist, but he doesn’t push Jaemin away, just sighs and tilts his head more, opening up beautifully under Jaemin’s insistent touch.

Mark tastes sweet, probably from the fruit juice they had shared earlier at the park, and Jaemin kisses him eagerly. He can’t get enough, even as they break for air he just wants _more,_ rucking Mark’s shirt up to run his hands along Mark’s torso, feel the warmth radiating off Mark’s skin as they kiss again and again. 

Mark whines a little and Jaemin melts, nipping gently at his lower lip as the sound sends shivers down his spine. He pulls away with a filthy squelching sound, a thin string of saliva connecting their lips. Mark looks completely _wrecked_ , his face flushed and pupils blown wide. He looks _gorgeous,_ and Jaemin helplessly kisses him again.

“I love you,” Jaemin whispers, voice catching just the slightest bit. He feels overwhelmed, his heart fit to burst with how much he _adores_ the boy under him. “I love you so much, I can’t—“

“Shh,” Mark soothes, running a calming hand down Jaemin’s back. “I love you too. You’re it for me, Jaeminnie. You’re my future. I don’t want anyone else.”

“Good,” Jaemin says fiercely, “because I don’t want anyone else either.” 

He kisses Mark again, but it’s slower this time, less desperate. The fire in him is no longer thrumming under his skin, and he sighs into Mark’s mouth when Mark wraps his arms around Jaemin’s waist, pulling him even closer until there’s not a millimeter of space between them. Like this, Jaemin can feel Mark’s heart hammering against his chest, and he can’t help but smile. Mark has gotten better at hiding his flustered reactions, but he’s never been able to hide how his heart races when Jaemin so much as touches him. It’s cute. Mark’s really, really cute.

He looks especially adorable now, with his messy hair and flushed cheeks and kiss-swollen lips. Jaemin’s heart skips a beat and he has to kiss Mark again, before finally pulling away to snuggle into Mark’s neck, happily inhaling the scent of his cologne. 

“I really love you, Mark,” Jaemin says again, his lips brushing the skin of Mark’s throat. Mark shifts a little to get them more comfortable, and Jaemin feels bad when he realizes he’s much too big to be curling up in Mark’s lap like this. He makes to get off, but Mark doesn’t let him go, squeezing him tighter.

“I love you too, Jaemin,” Mark says, and Jaemin _loves_ the way it sounds like a promise. He wants to say more, but his phone buzzes with a notification that their courier has almost arrived with their food. 

He loathes to be apart from Mark for more than a second, but Mark is already gently pushing him away, saying a quick “don’t worry babe I’ll go grab it” and putting his shoes on before Jaemin can even blink. He sighs when the apartment door closes behind Mark, and reaches for a pillow to hug in his arms. 

He can’t help but smile when he thinks of Mark, even though the older boy _just_ left, burying his face into the soft pillow. He likes how Mark answers the door for the couriers when they order food because he knows that Jaemin is shy. He likes when Mark lets him sleep over because he doesn’t want Jaemin going home by himself when it’s late. He likes how Mark tries his best to be romantic. He likes when Mark makes time in his busy schedule to surprise Jaemin.

He just likes everything about Mark. 

He doesn’t even realize he’s smiling to himself until Mark returns and asks him what’s so funny. Jaemin pats at his cheeks that have become quite sore, ignoring Mark’s answer in favour of reaching out for the food. Mark hands him a container and a pair of chopsticks before disappearing into the kitchen, presumably to put Taeyong’s food away. He returns with two cartons of banana milk for Jaemin and one carton of melon milk for himself.

“Thank you,” Jaemin says, mouth already full of chicken. Mark plops down next to him, reaching for his own food. Jaemin immediately snuggles into his side, and Mark doesn’t protest even though it makes it difficult for him to eat, Jaemin’s left side pressed to Mark’s right.

They finally turn on Netflix, and Jaemin puts on _Rise of the Guardians_ even though they’ve watched it a hundred times. It’s Jaemin’s favourite movie, and he leans into Mark as he gushes over how cute Jack Frost is.

“Did you know that Taeyong actually dressed up as Jack Frost for Halloween back in undergrad?” Mark muses, and Jaemin gasps, pulling away to check if Mark is serious. 

He is.

“And you didn’t show me pictures?!” Jaemin punches Mark’s shoulder. “You _know_ I have a fat crush on your roommate.”

“Hey,” Mark pouts, but he takes his phone out of his pocket and a few minutes later, shows Jaemin a picture of a younger Taeyong who is, indeed, dressed as Jack Frost.

“Whoa, he’s so cute!” Jaemin exclaims, snatching the phone so he can look closer. “I think you should go as Spider-Man this year.”

“Halloween is months away, Jaem,” Mark says, lips quirked in amusement. 

“So you’ll do it?” Jaemin lights up, immediately opening the Safari app on his own phone to look for a costume. Mark shakes his head, confiscating Jaemin’s phone and stealing back his own. 

“I’ll do it, but I’ll buy the costume in person when it’s time. It’s gotta fit well, unlike last time I went as Batman.”

Mark grimaces at the memory, but Jaemin just laughs. Mark’s Batman costume was half a size too small, and while Mark hadn’t liked how tight it was, Jaemin was pleased at how well the costume hugged his chest and thighs. He had been less happy when they went to a party and people couldn’t stop staring at Mark’s ass, but that was a story for another time.

“Spider-Man is better than Batman anyway,” Jaemin declares as Pitch Black swallows up Sandman on-screen. _Dreams are so fleeting,_ Jaemin thinks as he remembers the envelope in his backpack that he still hasn’t told Mark about. _Do we cling tight, or just let them go?_

Mark, who probably doesn’t even know the difference between Marvel and DC, just nods. “Whatever you say, babe.”

 _This is the dream I want to hold onto,_ Jaemin thinks, hooking his arm around Mark’s as they settle back to watch the rest of the movie in silence. _Mark and I together. Nothing else matters._

He decides not to tell Mark about it. Mark would be angry with him, demand to know why he would give up his dream for a stupid boy. But Mark isn’t just any stupid boy. Jaemin wouldn’t be able to live without him, not even for a month. Because Jaemin shows his love in touch and physical affection, and if he accepts the offer to move to London to join a dance company, he’ll be leaving Mark behind in Toronto for who knows how long.

Mark who’s already been accepted into grad school. Who just signed a two year lease with Taeyong because he’s planning to stay here and Jaemin—

Jaemin wouldn’t be able to go anywhere without Mark.

It sounds stupid, but Mark is his anchor. He can stand on top of the world on his own, but Mark’s the one who keeps him rooted firmly to the ground, and he’d never be able to give it up. He already struggles with long-distance friendships. Like Renjun and Chenle, who are studying abroad. He rarely remembers to call them, and their schedules are so conflicting these days. He would never be able to handle a long-distance relationship. 

He’d be too lonely.

So he stays quiet at Mark’s side, leans his head on Mark’s shoulder, and doesn’t think about dreams. He has the opportunity to join a company here, and that’s good enough for him. Sure, it may not be the best dance company in the world, but it’s good enough, and it’s here.

All Jaemin wants is to stay here.

He takes the throw blanket and drapes it over both of their laps, sighing when Mark wraps an arm around him. He doesn’t want to fall asleep like this, but it’s so warm that he’s tempted. When Mark begins playing with his hair, he lets his eyes fall shut, content.

“Hey,” Mark whispers, an indeterminable amount of time later. Jaemin pries his eyes open and realizes that it’s dark, and Mark has shut off the tv. He’s scrolling on his phone, using his left hand so he doesn’t disturb Jaemin, who has no idea how long he’s been out for. He lifts his head up and feels guilty when Mark winces, rolling his shoulder that’s probably gone stiff. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep, I was up late and—“

“Don’t worry about it,” Mark assures him before he can continue any further. “I don’t mind, but it’s getting late and you have class in the morning. Why don’t we move to my room?”

Jaemin melts. He lets Mark pull him to his feet and they make their way to the bathroom together. He keeps a toothbrush, his favourite cleanser, and moisturizer at Mark’s place because he’s here so often, and he fetches them from the cabinet now to get ready for bed.

“Taeyong’s not back yet?” Jaemin says around his toothbrush, leaning over to spit just as Mark steps back to give him room, his own toothbrush dangling from his mouth. 

“Nah, he texted me and he’s pulling another overnight in the lab. Apparently something happened with the bacteria he was growing,” Mark replies, taking his toothbrush out of his mouth. Jaemin passes him one of the rinse cups they keep in the cabinet over the sink so he can gurgle water, then grabs another and does the same. 

They do their respective skincare routines and Jaemin raids Mark’s closet for a pair of sweatpants and a shirt to sleep in while Mark changes the sheets. He always does that whenever Jaemin comes over, because Jaemin likes knowing the sheets he’s laying on are clean. They’re lucky that Taeyong has a whole collection of bed sets and doesn’t mind sharing them.

“Come here,” Mark says once he’s done, and Jaemin goes easily, letting Mark tilt his chin up and join their lips again. He snakes his arms around Mark’s waist, pulling him closer. Mark ends up sitting on the bed with Jaemin standing between his spread legs. Jaemin is already taller than Mark, but with Mark sitting, he towers over him. With a sharp grin, he bends down to capture Mark’s lips again, shivering when Mark’s teeth dig into his lip.

As punishment, Jaemin shoves him until he topples back onto the bed, bouncing with the force of the push. He doesn’t give Mark time to be shocked before he crawls on top of him with a sharp grin, settling once more between Mark’s legs and kissing him again.

“You’re a brat,” Mark grunts, but he whines when Jaemin tries to pull away, bringing him in for another deep, searing kiss. Jaemin can’t get enough, licking at the seam of Mark’s lips, the taste of mint bursting on his tongue. In his eagerness, their teeth clack together and they both burst into laughter, finally breaking apart to giggle and hold their hands over their mouths in shared pain. Jaemin sits up, still chuckling, but his laughter fades as he drinks in the sight of Mark flushed and pretty on the bed, skin golden against the white of the bedsheets. His shirt has been rucked up in Jaemin’s haste to expose almost his entire torso, and his cheeks and ears are stained a gorgeous shade of red. He looks _divine._ Jaemin almost wants to take a picture, but he settles for kissing Mark again, sighing happily against his mouth. 

Mark doesn’t complain about Jaemin lying on top of him, but Jaemin imagines he’s pretty heavy, so after a few more minutes of making out, he finally climbs off and sits next to Mark, breathless as he clutches Mark’s hand. His boyfriend seems halfway to falling asleep, so he suggests they climb into bed and laughs when Mark nearly rolls off the edge.

“You’re really good looking, you know,” Mark tells him later, when they’re both tucked under the blanket, facing each other with their heads on Mark’s pillows. Mark used to be the one pillow type of guy, but Jaemin’s neck was suffering for it, so now Mark keeps three or four pillows on his bed despite his complaints that they took up too much space. Remembering this, Jaemin leans forward to kiss Mark’s nose and forehead gently while Mark scrunches his face up as if they hadn’t had each other’s tongues in their mouths ten minutes ago.

“Thanks,” Jaemin replies softly. It’s not that he doesn’t know he’s attractive. Even random strangers have commented on his looks in the past. But he only cares about Mark’s opinion of him, and Mark isn’t really the type to hand out compliments like that. He prefers to comment on things other than appearance, which Jaemin loves even more. But he can’t deny that he preens whenever Mark compliments his looks, especially since he finds Mark so sexy. 

Mark opens his mouth, looking like he wants to say more, but he breaks out into a yawn that takes over his whole face, and Jaemin laughs softly, bringing a hand up to pinch Mark’s cheek.

“Go to sleep,” Jaemin says. “You need it more than I do.”

“You calling me ugly?” Mark grumbles, but he obediently closes his eyes, burrowing into his pillow.

“As if I could ever,” Jaemin says, rolling his eyes even though Mark can’t see him. But he closes his eyes too, snuggling further into the blanket and curling closer to Mark. He just took a nap, and he doesn’t feel exhaustion pulling at the corners of his eyes like he usually does, but sleeping with Mark is one of his favourite activities, so he keeps his eyes closed and lets sleep pull him under.

“Jaeminnie.”

The tendrils of his dream slip away from him and try as he might, he can’t grasp them as he becomes aware of his surroundings, slipping away from his unconscious state and opening his eyes to daylight. He whines, already regretting being awake, but he doesn’t close his eyes because Mark’s face is in front of him, and Mark looks so, so pretty in the mornings when he’s all sleep soft, his hair sticking up and his shirt slipping off his shoulders. 

“Good morning,” Mark greets him, voice laced with amusement. Despite his messy appearance, he seems to have been awake for a while, his eyes bright and focused. He smells of toothpaste again, and his cologne that Jaemin loves so much. “You have class in thirty minutes.”

“Don’t wanna go,” Jaemin grumbles, but he pushes the blanket off and shivers when he’s exposed to the cool morning air. “Can I borrow some clothes?”

“Already have some in the bathroom for you,” Mark says, jerking a thumb in the direction of the ensuite (Jaemin is not bitter that he has to share a bathroom with two other guys while Mark gets his own, he’s definitely not). “Breakfast is ready, so get dressed fast and maybe I’ll drop you off.”

“Mark,” Jaemin whines. “There’s no way you can make me walk. I’ll be late to class.”

“Well, I tried waking you up earlier but you told me to fuck off,” Mark says matter-of-factly, standing up from the bed and stretching.

Jaemin sits there, stunned. “I have no recollection of this.”

Mark rolls his eyes. “Go brush your teeth.”

Jaemin sighs and gets out of bed, padding into the bathroom to piss, brush his teeth, and wash his hands. He dresses in the clothes Mark left out for him, a pair of jeans, a black t-shirt, and a Nike jacket. Jaemin steals a pair of Mark’s socks and slides into the kitchen where Mark is drinking coffee. 

Breakfast is Nutella toast and sliced bananas, the extent of Mark’s cooking skills, but Jaemin gratefully digs in, happy with anything Mark makes for him. Still sleepy, he doesn’t respond much while Mark talks about something he’s read online, but he nods along to show he’s listening as he devours another slice of toast.

“Let’s go?” Mark offers after Jaemin’s finished rinsing his plate. He grabs his car keys and hands Jaemin a travel mug of coffee, and Jaemin presses a sticky kiss of gratitude to Mark’s cheek and walks to the door to put on his shoes while Mark goes to retrieve his phone from the bedroom. Jaemin’s own phone is nearly dead, but he can charge it after class. He turns to put on his shoes and nearly gets knocked over by Taeyong, who he hadn’t heard entering the apartment until after the door flung open, surprising him. 

“Hi Mark,” Taeyong mutters, brushing past him. Jaemin looks up, startled, but Taeyong’s eyes are glazed over from lack of sleep and he’s talking to himself under his breath, so Jaemin decides to leave him alone. He doesn’t even seem to notice the real Mark, who gives Taeyong a bewildered expression as he walks past him to his own bedroom without a word of acknowledgment. Jaemin snickers as Mark walks over to put on his own shoes.

“He thought I was you,” Jaemin tells him cheerfully, and Mark laughs as he slips out the door. Jaemin follows and Mark locks the door behind them before they head to the elevator. “He’s been out a lot lately?”

“He’s working on a big project,” Mark explains as the doors to the elevator slide open. He lets Jaemin board first and presses the button for the main floor. Habitually, Jaemin grabs onto his arm as the elevator descends, and continues to cling as they walk out the doors and to where Mark has parked his car.

Jaemin turns on the radio, too lazy to plug in his own phone, and they listen to a cheerful, summery bop as Mark drives them to the school. Jaemin rolls the window down so the breeze ruffles his hair, eagerly pointing out all the dogs they pass.

“I wanna get a dog someday,” Jaemin tells Mark. “A golden retriever.”

“We will,” is all Mark says, focused on the road, but it warms Jaemin anyway. The thought of him and Mark in their own house with a dog makes Jaemin feel like he’s on cloud nine. He knows that with all their hard work, they’ll be able to make that dream a reality. He imagines a home studio for himself with full length mirrors, and a production studio for Mark to make his music. He knows that it won’t be easy, and it might take longer than he wants it to, but he fully believes they’ll make it there.

He’s surprised when Mark pulls into the parking lot instead of dropping him off in front of the building where his lecture takes place, but Mark tells him about his plans to meet up with Donghyuck to record a song in one of the campus studios.

“That’s on the other side of campus though,” Jaemin says, getting out of the car.

“It’s fine. This is closer to you so I can drive you home once you’re done, and you won’t have to walk too far.”

Melting at Mark’s thoughtfulness, Jaemin kisses his cheek again as he grabs his bag out of Mark’s trunk, still packed from yesterday. 

“Thank you,” Jaemin tells him honestly, offering a bright smile. Mark smiles back, then spins him around and shoves him in the direction of his lecture hall.

“Go before you’re late. I’ll be back in time for your class to end. Love you,” Mark says.

“Love you too,” Jaemin replies, then hoists his bag onto his shoulder and walks into his building. He misses Mark immediately now that they’re no longer together, and he sighs as he plops into his usual seat next to Jeno.

“Morning,” he says to Jeno, who looks like he’s just rolled out of bed.

“G’morning,” Jeno mumbles sleepily. Jaemin sighs and hands him his (Mark’s) thermos of coffee. He watches his best friend light up at the prospect of caffeine, and he smiles fondly to himself.

“Thanks,” Jeno says once he’s taken a sip. “Was up late finishing a paper and overslept, so I didn’t have time to grab a cup.”

“I overslept too,” Jaemin sighs. “I’m lucky Mark wakes up early enough to make coffee.”

“Yeah, I noticed you didn’t come back last night. Have a good time?” And if it was Hyuck, he would be wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, but Jeno seems like he’s genuinely asking, so Jaemin nods, and that’s all he can do before the professor begins class.

As he jots down notes from the slides, his mind wanders and he’s unable to stop himself. He hates himself for being clingy, but he really misses Mark and wonders what he’s doing. If he’s having fun with Donghyuck in the studio, or if he’s frustrated because he can’t get the sound just right. 

Jaemin smiles to himself without meaning to. Mark is such a perfectionist, he probably tweaks the song over and over until it’s good enough. But Jaemin wouldn’t know, because Mark never lets him listen to his work.

His pen stills in the middle of a sentence, but he doesn’t notice. His smile fades and his mood drops before he can stop himself.

Mark has never let him listen to his work.

Ever.

Jaemin knows that Mark is protective of his songs. He knows that Mark is insecure about the lyrics and sounds he pours his heart and soul into. He knows what it’s like to want to hide your creations until they’re ready to be exposed to the world. And he knows all too well that sometimes, they’re never ready. Sometimes, you can try and try to fix them and improve them, but it just doesn’t work out, and you’re too attached to delete or destroy it, so you hide it away in a folder forever.

It doesn’t stop him from tightening his grip on his pen, watching the ink blot on the paper get bigger but unable to lift the nib from his notebook. He tells himself not to overthink it, but his mind has already latched onto a negative train of thought and he can’t stop himself from spiralling. Mark shows Donghyuck his songs, since Donghyuck is usually the one singing them. And Jaemin doesn’t blame him, because he knows his voice is nowhere near as powerful as Donghyuck’s. Mark shows Taeyong, but that’s because Taeyong has a degree in audio engineering and has been self-producing for almost eight years. 

“What are you thinking about?” Jeno’s voice is a soft whisper, but it still breaks him out of his thoughts. He’s developed a habit of honing in on whatever his friends say because he never wants to miss a word. Even when he doesn’t want to listen, he can’t ever tune them out. It’s sometimes a curse, but today it is a blessing as Jaemin finally pulls his pen away. The ink has leaked through the pages, ruining his careful notes, but he can’t bring himself to care.

He’s never really given much thought as to why Mark hesitates to show him anything. And he still understands that Mark has every right to keep his work private. As a creator himself, he knows better than anyone else, but he can’t help feeling hurt over it. 

“Hey,” Jaemin whispers. Jeno looks up at him from his notes, frowning, but Jaemin continues. “Have you ever heard any of Mark’s songs?”

Jeno gives him a confused look. “Of course. They’re really good, if that’s what you’re asking.”

_I wouldn’t know._

Jaemin offers him a strained smile. “Yeah, I was just wondering what you thought of them.”

“I love them,” Jeno says happily before going back to his notes. He furrows his brow, and usually Jaemin would reach over and thumb away the wrinkles before they stuck, but today he can’t bring himself to act like, well, himself. He just feels lost. 

_You’re overreacting,_ Jaemin tells himself. _If it was actually a big deal, you would have noticed it already. You’re just being sensitive because you miss Mark. He doesn’t have to share anything if he doesn’t want to._

_But… why doesn’t he want to?_

“I’m sure he has his reasons,” Jaemin says aloud before he can stop himself. Eyes wide, he looks around, but luckily everyone is too engrossed in what the professor is saying to pay any attention to him. Even Jeno sitting next to him hasn’t noticed him talking to himself. Thank God.

Jaemin slumps in his chair, trying to focus, but he can’t stop thinking _why? Why? Why?_ over and over. His stomach feels queasy, so he puts his pen down and closes his eyes. He tries to take his mind off of it, making a list of tasks he needs to complete by the end of the day. He has a quiz coming up that he needs to review for, and a paper due on Friday that he should get started on. He needs to call Renjun and Chenle tonight, and maybe he should also check in on his parents and see how they’re doing.

His schedule feels packed today, and he hates it. He feels tired, like he wants to crawl into bed and sleep for a full twenty hours, but he knows he can’t. The amount of tasks, chores, and errands that he needs to do is building up, but he doesn’t feel like doing any of it.

Jaemin spends the rest of class in a fitful daze, unable to complete his notes but not willing to ask Jeno for his. He knows that if he doesn’t take notes now, he’ll have to access the slides later, which is just another addition to his plate, but he can’t make himself copy the information down. He feels like shit, and the complete one-eighty from how he felt this morning is giving him whiplash.

To make things worse, class extends almost half an hour past its usual time as the professor discusses an upcoming project they will be starting soon, and Jaemin feels antsy by the time he’s done, his skin crawling with the need to get out. He doesn’t even remember to grab Mark’s thermos back from Jeno, just shoves his things into his bag and dips, hurrying out of the lecture hall and practically running outside for some fresh air. 

His chest feels tight as he looks for Mark’s car, and he rubs at it with one hand to make the feeling go away. Frowning, he stands on his tiptoes, but he still can’t spot the vehicle he came here in. 

He looks back at the building, then looks at the empty parking space, and knows for sure that this is where Mark had parked almost four hours ago.

He takes out his phone, grimacing at the low battery percentage, and fires off a text to Mark asking his whereabouts. Mark is sometimes a space case, and forgets when they have plans because he’s always so busy. Jaemin never takes offence because he’s the exact same. 

Except ten minutes later, he still hasn’t gotten a reply. Groaning, he walks over to one of the benches outside of the building and sits down heavily, putting his backpack next to him as he types in Mark’s number and presses ‘Call’.

The phone rings several times before he’s sent to voicemail, so he tries calling him again only to be met with the same response.

“Hi baby,” Jaemin says with a sigh. “I dunno where you went, but my class is over now. Are you still gonna be picking me up? Drive carefully, I love you.”

Usually, when Mark is driving, he has Do Not Disturb While Driving mode on, but sometimes his phone doesn’t register he’s in a moving vehicle, so it doesn’t send the automated text saying he can’t answer the phone. 

“He’s probably on his way now,” Jaemin says to himself. He can’t deny that after the anxiety he felt earlier in class, he really wants to see Mark. He wishes he didn’t always overthink things, because he _knows_ that Mark loves him more than anything, but his stupid insecurities always get in the way. 

Still, when twenty minutes pass and there’s still no sign of Mark, Jaemin wonders if he’s been completely and truly forgotten about. He still hasn’t received a single text or call from Mark, and he figures that, since it’s been a full hour since class ended, it probably means that Mark isn’t coming.

Sighing, Jaemin sends one last text to Mark before his phone screen flickers and dies, then he picks up his backpack and heads for the bus stop.

_Mark!! You forgot about me so I’ll head home now. You better not read this if you’re driving >:( make it up to me with lamb skewers!! Get home safely~ my phone will die so bye lol _

Delivered ✔️

Jaemin digs into his bag for his wallet and flashes his pass to the driver, squeezing past a lady with a stroller and sitting next to the back doors. He can’t deny that, after feeling bad in class, only to be forgotten about afterwards, makes him feel like shit. 

When he gets to his apartment twenty minutes later and is met with silence, he feels like crying. He was hoping that Donghyuck would be home, and he could crawl into his lap and whine about Mark. But Donghyuck is absent from the apartment, and Jeno has another class, so Jaemin is alone for the time being. He plugs his phone in, waiting in anticipation as it takes forever to turn on.

Still no texts from Mark.

Even though he knows he shouldn’t, he still feels a pang of anxiety. It happens when he’s stressed, his worries spiralling into something more sinister that he can’t really control. He hopes that nothing has happened to Mark, who hasn’t texted in almost four and a half hours. 

_Are you okay? I’m worried about you!! Just let me know you’re safe >_< you owe me double the amount of lamb skewers now for worrying me >:(_

Jaemin waits for a moment, but when his phone doesn’t light up with a text from Mark, he opens the Messages app again and clicks on Donghyuck’s name.

_Donghyuckieee~~ when are you coming home? I’m bored and lonely_

He sighs and puts his phone away, instead retrieving his laptop and textbook for his paper. Settling on the couch, he tries to distract himself by reading articles instead. He bounces his leg restlessly as he goes over passages in his textbook with a highlighter. The words start blurring before him, so he gives up and reaches for a stack of index cards instead.

He makes twenty flashcards before his phone buzzes with a text from Hyuck.

_me n jeno r going downtown. do u wanna come??_

Jaemin sighs.

_nah, i got a quiz to study for and then a paper >_< bring me something to eat?_

_you got it!! love u jaeminnie_

_love you too._

After a moment of hesitation, he presses Call on Mark’s contact before he can stop himself. It rings a few times while he waits anxiously and then—

“Hello?”

“Mark,” Jaemin says, relieved. “Hi. You didn’t get my texts?”

“Oh! Jaemin! Sorry, I just finished up with Donghyuck. Somehow, the track didn’t save so we had to start from scratch, it was such a pain. I can’t believe I didn’t think to back it up…” 

Jaemin adjusts the phone against his ear, flipping open his binder to review his notes as he lets Mark ramble. “Mark, you forgot to pick me up today.”

Mark is silent for a moment. “Oh, shit, Nana. I’m so sorry, I went to grab breakfast for Hyuck because he didn’t eat anything and it was affecting his singing, but I parked near the studios without thinking, and I had my phone on silent. I didn’t mean to, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jaemin says immediately. “Make it up to me by buying me lamb skewers.”

“Of course baby,” Mark says, though he sounds distracted. “Okay, I really gotta go now, I have practice soon.”

“You have practice today?” Jaemin asks, surprised. 

“Ah, it’s a private practice. I’m helping some of the girls from the junior team, their captain asked me to show them some stuff,” Mark replies. “I’ll text you tonight?”

“Sure,” Jaemin says, feeling small and even smaller still when Mark hangs up. It’s not that he’s jealous. In all the time they’ve been dating, Mark has never so much as _looked_ at anyone else the way he does Jaemin. Amid all his insecurities, his relationship with Mark is one of the things he’s secure about. He doesn’t doubt that Mark loves him. 

Well… maybe he is jealous. Not necessarily of the girls, but that they’re spending time with Mark when he so desperately wants to. He knows they just had a date yesterday, but they don’t really spend a lot of time together, and he was _supposed_ to see Mark again today. Sighing, Jaemin turns back to his notes. 

He gives up after an hour, unable to concentrate. His chest feels sticky with anxiety, but he’s not sure what he’s anxious about. He reaches into his bag and pulls out the envelope tucked in between his textbooks, holding it between his thighs as he takes out the acceptance letter once again. He’s read it so many times, the paper is worn and creased, but he reads it again anyway.

Jaemin already knows he’s going to decline the offer, but he can’t help fantasizing about the possibilities of moving to the UK and joining one of the biggest dance companies in the world. He’s never been one for fame and fortune, but he does live for the stage. Dropping the letter and the rest of the envelope on the coffee table, he stands up from the couch and stretches, contemplating going out for an early dinner. 

He decides on hamburgers because there’s a place on campus that’s good and closes late. He shouldn’t be eating junk, not when he has a diet to maintain, but he wants comfort food. He’ll make it up by spending a few extra hours in the gym this week. 

Mind made up, Jaemin abandons his notes, too lazy to clean up. He leaves his apartment right away, after spending a few minutes trying to put his shoes in without undoing the laces, locking the door behind him. 

He regrets not bringing a hoodie or something, his bare arms covered in goosebumps the instant he walks outside. It’s chilly, though the evening has just started. Jaemin scowls, unhappy about the weather change, but he’s too lazy to go back upstairs so he bears with it, walking quickly to the bus stop. 

As soon as he boards the bus, he feels his phone buzz in his pocket, so he quickly makes his way to a seat and takes it out to find a text from Yangyang.

_hey!! so fucking bored rn wanna meet for dinner?_

Smiling, Jaemin quickly taps out a reply.

_i’m actually heading to campus to grab burgers if u wanna meet up._

Yangyang replies instantly.

_fuck yeah i’ll meet u at the bus stop!!!_

He’s not really that close with Yangyang, who tends to hang out in different circles (he’s somehow friends with a group of grad students), but he considers Yangyang a good friend. They used to be in the theatre club together before Yangyang quit to focus on basketball. 

As soon as he gets off the bus, he spots Yangyang waiting for him, dressed in a grey t-shirt and basketball shorts. Jaemin has no idea how he’s not cold. He is convinced that Yangyang isn’t human, but he doesn’t mention this to Yangyang, who would probably try to convince him that he’s an alien. 

“Hi! Good to see you!” Yangyang greets him cheerfully. Jaemin has never seen him without a smile on his face. 

“Good to see you too,” Jaemin replies, and he tugs Yangyang into a quick hug. Yangyang reciprocates easily, even though they’re not really the hugging type, and they head for the burger place together. Yangyang is a distraction all on his own, chattering away about a basketball match he had watched on TV. Jaemin knows nothing about the NBA, but he’s content to listen as they walk, happy to have something to focus on rather than his own negative thoughts.

“I’m surprised you’re not with Mark, to be honest,” Yangyang comments when they’re waiting in line to order.

“Ah,” Jaemin says quietly, “he’s training some girls from the basketball team, I guess.”

“Oh! That’s probably Ryujin, Yeji, and Lia. They’re so nice, and they’re really good even though they just started playing recently.” Jaemin doesn’t really want to hear about how great the girls Mark is currently with are, but he listens anyway, wishing the line would move faster. “I know! Why don’t we bring Mark dinner?”

“Are we allowed to do that?”

“I _am_ on the basketball team, you know,” Yangyang says haughtily. “We can bring some fries for the girls, I’m sure Mark is working them hard. Calories equal energy, or something like that. I dunno, I don’t stick to my diet.”

Jaemin laughs despite himself, and doesn’t stop Yangyang from ordering four containers of fries and an extra burger to go. He places his own order, then steps aside with Yangyang to wait, feeling much better than he had earlier.

“So why’d you come all the way to campus for food? I thought you don’t live too close,” Yangyang asks, stepping aside for an elderly woman retrieving her order. 

Jaemin scratches the back of his head. “Ah, well, I guess I was just feeling restless? Being cooped up in my apartment does that to me, I guess. I was reviewing for a quiz.”

“I shouldn’t be encouraging your procrastination, but I am glad you met up with me. Kun, Sicheng, and Ten went away for some research trip, and Kunhang and Xuxi aren’t really around these days. I was so lonely,” Yangyang finishes dramatically, hanging off of Jaemin’s arm. He lights up when their order numbers are called, bouncing over to grab the food. He has a short conversation with the employee behind the counter, then returns to Jaemin’s side like a magnet. 

“Thanks,” Jaemin says when Yangyang passes him one of the brown paper bags. It smells like grease and salt, exactly the kind of junk he’s craving. He’ll probably feel shitty about it later on, but for now he wants comfort food. “Let’s go to the gym, then?”

“Let’s go!” Yangyang latches onto Jaemin’s arm again, dragging him out the doors and pausing to hold it open for another group of students. He begins telling Jaemin campus ghost stories, pulling faces to make him laugh. Jaemin wonders if Yangyang knows that he’s feeling down, or if he’s really just that silly when he’s got no filter. They reach the gym in no time, just as Yangyang wraps up his story. Jaemin’s stomach growls in the silence, and he blushes. Yangyang pokes at his tummy before pulling open the door to the gym.

They sneak the food past the front desk, Yangyang distracting the receptionist while Jaemin uses his pass to get through the gate, holding all the bags in his arms. Yangyang follows shortly after, giggling madly, and they dash down the hall before someone can catch them. Yangyang makes a big show of acting like a secret agent, holding his hands in the form of a gun and running sideways with his back against the wall. 

“Here we are!” Yangyang exclaims, stopping in front of the doors to the gymnasium. He takes the bags from Jaemin’s arms, gesturing for him to go in first. Jaemin can see part of the bleachers through the door, and when he steps closer to the glass, he can see the court. It looks empty, but there’s a ball sitting in the middle of the court, so Mark must have been here at some point. He hesitates, but his desire to see Mark overrides his anxiety. He pushes open the door, taking a deep breath. It smells like sweat and salonpas, a familiar scent that invades his nostrils. It’s not like he’s never been to Mark’s practices before, but he’s never been to a private one, and he feels like he’s intruding. Yangyang is oddly silent behind him as he walks in.

For a second, he doesn’t see Mark in the gym, and he’s about to tell Yangyang that he’s not there, but then he sees him. He’s sitting on the bleachers with a girl. Yangyang had mentioned three names, but there’s only one girl now, peering at Mark’s phone with headphones over her ears. Mark is grinning at her, and it’s nothing like the way he smiles at Jaemin, but he freezes anyway. He feels Yangyang touch the small of his back, and he turns to see Yangyang’s lips moving, but he can’t hear him over the high pitched ringing in his ears. He turns back to Mark and the girl, watching as she removes the headphones.

“You really wrote that yourself? It sounds amazing! You’re really talented, Mark.”

“Thanks, Lia.” And oh. _Oh._

Jaemin thinks he’s going to be sick. 

He steps back, one hand flying up to cover his mouth in case he hurls. His shoes squeak on the floor as he bumps into Yangyang, and Mark and Lia are turning to him. He sees Mark’s expression turn from surprised to concern, and he feels like he’s burning up under Mark’s gaze. He has to get out of here. 

He spins on his heel, pushing past Yangyang and booking it out the doors of the gym. He nearly takes out two other girls in the hall, picking up speed so they can’t see the tears that are starting to fall. He hears someone calling his name, so he runs faster, flying past the receptionist and out into the cold air. His breath comes too fast as his feet pound against the pavement, tearing across campus and dodging other students. He’s not sure if the tears are from the cold wind blasting in his eyes, or the ache in his chest. 

He rounds the corner of the next building and falls against the brick to catch his breath, wiping furiously at his eyes. He has no idea why it bothers him so much. He doesn’t know why it hurts that Mark doesn’t want to share his music with him. He’s not obligated to. But it stings like an open wound and Jaemin doesn’t want to think about it anymore. Doesn’t want to think about how Hyuck and Jeno and Taeyong and Lia have all heard Mark’s songs, but he’s never heard a single one. 

He presses his palms to his eyes, trying to stem the tears flowing freely down his cheeks. _You’re overreacting,_ Jaemin tells himself. _Don’t take your insecurities out on Mark. He’s done nothing wrong._

Jaemin leans against the building, trying to calm his rapid heart. His head is spinning, and he tries his best to re-orient himself. He expects his phone to start ringing, but it’s silent. _Does he even care?_

 _You’re being ridiculous,_ Jaemin scolds himself, then pushes off the brick. He wipes at his face once more with his sleeve pulled over his hand. Takes a deep breath. Starts heading home.

“Jaemin!” 

He doesn’t get far before a hand is wrapping around his wrist and he’s tugged into a warm embrace, his face pressed into a chest that’s all too familiar. The smell of Mark’s deodorant and cologne fills his nose and he almost sobs again, sinking into Mark’s hold.

“What are you doing here?” Jaemin asks, voice muffled by the fabric of Mark’s shirt. He licks his lips, pulling a face when he tastes sweat. 

“Jaem, you have to know that—that we weren’t doing anything,” Mark says desperately. “Lia is just a friend, I swear.”

Jaemin’s eyes widen. _That’s what Mark thinks he’s upset about?_ He supposes that’s a normal thing to get upset about, but Jaemin already knows Lia is a friend. That has never been a problem for him. “O-Oh, I know, don’t worry. I swear I’m not upset about that. I would never think that about you. I trust you.” _So much._

“Good.” Mark sounds relieved as he tightens his hold. “Because there’s _no one else._ It’s only you, Jaemin.”

 _So why don’t you let me hear your songs?_ It’s a stupid thing to be upset about, so Jaemin doesn’t ask. Instead he rests his head on Mark’s shoulder, hiding his face in the crook of Mark’s neck.

“Same for me,” Jaemin says quietly. “There’s no one else for me, either.”

Mark pulls away and holds Jaemin at an arm’s length, studying his face with a concerned expression. “Will you tell me what you’re upset about?”

Jaemin averts his eyes. “Can I tell you later? I’m not really ready right now.”

Mark softens. “Of course. Why don’t I take you home?”

“I’d like that,” Jaemin admits. “But don’t you have to train those girls?”

“We’re pretty much finished in there. They already know I went after you, I’ll just text them and we can practice another time.”

“If you’re sure,” Jaemin replies, but he’s secretly pleased. He clings to Mark, letting his boyfriend guide him as he types out an apology to Yangyang, who replies with a thumbs up and a message to let Jaemin know he’s eating his food. Jaemin didn’t realize he had abandoned his food, but he figures letting Yangyang eat it is a good enough apology. “Wanna order food when we get to mine?”

“Sure, I could go for some grub,” Mark answers, stopping at his car and unlocking it with a push of a button. He opens the door for Jaemin like a gentleman, and Jaemin thanks him with a kiss on the cheek. 

He knows he’s being too quiet, but he doesn’t feel like talking as he stares out the window, a sense of déjà vu filling him as Mark backs out of the parking space. He has no idea how he’s going to bring up how he’s feeling to Mark. But every second he keeps his mouth shut is just prolonging the inevitable -- there’s no way Mark is going to let this go. Not when Jaemin had been crying.

Mark seems to sense that he doesn’t want to talk, so the ride is quiet. The silence is awkward and stifling, but Jaemin doesn’t know how to break it, so he keeps his lips sealed all the way to his apartment. 

“I’m just gonna go to the bathroom really quick,” Jaemin tells Mark after they’ve taken their shoes off. He doesn’t wait for an answer before he beelines to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and leaning against the sink, taking deep breaths to quell his anxiety. _I’m going to tell him how I’m feeling. Even if I think it’s stupid. Even if there’s a chance he’ll get mad at me. Otherwise this is going to bother me forever._

He washes his face with cold water, taking his time to pat his face dry. His reflection stares back at him, unimpressed. He sighs at himself, and then laughs a little, shaking his head. It’s just Mark. He has no reason to be scared of Mark. Hanging up the towel, he exits the bathroom and heads straight for the living room. Spots Mark on the couch and plans to dive on top of him when he realizes what Mark is holding.

The acceptance letter.

He had left it on the coffee table, right there for Mark to see. And it’s not like he can be upset at Mark for reading it without permission -- they’ve always had open access to each other’s things. Jaemin knows the passwords to all of Mark’s social media accounts, and his phone. He even knows the PIN to Mark’s credit card. But right now he wishes he didn’t know any of that stuff. He wishes he had hid the letter, but he had forgotten it was there.

“Jaemin, what is this?” And oh. Mark sounds... disappointed. In _Jaemin._

Heart hammering in his throat, Jaemin walks over and snatches the letter away, clutching it to his chest. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s clearly _not_ nothing,” Mark says, and he sounds angry now. His face is blank, though. Jaemin hates how he can do that. Just put a blank face on like a mask. He’s never been able to hide his emotions the way Mark can. “Why didn’t you tell me you got accepted into a company in London?”

“Does it matter? I’m turning it down anyway.”

Mark throws his hands up. “Of _course,_ it matters! And what do you mean you’re turning it down? Are you crazy? You can’t throw away an opportunity like this!”

“I don’t want to go to London,” Jaemin says faintly. “I want to stay here.” _With you._

“It’s, like, your _dream_ to join Starfall. Why would you want to turn it down?”

“Dreams can change,” Jaemin says, stepping back when Mark jumps up from the couch. “I got accepted to a company here in Toronto, and you’re going to school here, so I want to stay--”

“Is that why you want to stay? Because of me?” 

Jaemin bites his lip. “W-Would it be so bad? If I wanted to stay because of you?”

“I can’t believe this,” Mark groans, falling onto the couch and covering his face with his hands. “I can’t do this right now.”

Jaemin panics. “W-What do you mean?”

Mark heaves a sigh, and when he takes his hands away, he looks tired. “I just wish you told me about this before you gave up your entire future for our relationship.”

“I got an offer for a company here,” Jaemin says weakly. “It’s not like I’m just giving up my entire career.”

Mark pinches the bridge of his nose. He looks so done. Jaemin thinks he’s going to cry again. “I just wish you had talked to me before making a decision.”

“But…” Jaemin starts, before he realizes he has no idea what to say. “Don’t--don’t you think it’s worth it, though?” _Don’t you think we’re worth it?_

“Of course I don’t!” Mark explodes, and Jaemin actually flinches, taking a step back. “Jaemin, this is going to affect your whole _life!_ ”

“I...” Jaemin’s head is spinning. “I’m sorry I just… I knew I didn’t want to go, so I didn’t feel the need to bring it up.”

“You still should have _told_ me!”

“Why?” Jaemin snaps defensively, holding himself around the waist. Usually when he does this, when he makes himself small, Mark comes and hugs him until he feels whole again. But Mark stays on the couch, chest heaving and face red with anger. Jaemin can feel the tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. “So you could convince me to go? You really want me gone that badly?”

“What?” Mark sounds confused now, but Jaemin has worked himself up into a frenzy.

“Is that it, then?” Jaemin demands. “You want to get rid of me? You want to send me off to a foreign country where I don’t know _anyone?_ Where I’ll have to get a whole new place by myself with no one around to help me? You want us to be five hours and five thousand kilometres apart? Because I _don’t,_ and that’s why I’m turning it down.”

“Jaemin,” Mark begins tiredly, sagging against the couch. He looks frustrated and annoyed. Jaemin makes him frustrated and annoyed. Maybe it would be better if Jaemin moved away. Then Mark would be free of him. “Jaemin, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” He pats the couch cushions next to him. “Sit?”

Jaemin hesitates, but eventually crosses the room and sits down. There’s only about a foot of space between him and Mark, but it feels like an acre. He holds himself tighter and swallows down the sob threatening to burst from his chest. 

“I’m sorry for making you feel like I wanted you gone,” Mark begins. “That wasn’t my intention. I was just upset that you were making such a huge decision without even telling me about it. I don’t want to be the reason you can’t reach your full potential. I don’t want to be the one to hold you back.”

Jaemin opens his mouth to argue, but Mark holds a hand up, and he clamps his jaw shut with an audible clack.

“But in the end, it _is_ your decision. And,” Mark adds, “if I’m honest… I’m really grateful that you’re staying. I don’t think I would be able to handle the distance, though I’d certainly try for you.” He laughs wryly. “Isn’t that selfish of me? To be grateful that you’re giving up your dream?”

And to Jaemin’s horror, Mark begins to cry, too. Heavy sobs wrack his body, and Jaemin forgets about keeping his distance in favour of practically tackling Mark into a hug. Mark doesn’t cry often, so when he does, it physically pains Jaemin to see. 

“I can’t help but blame myself,” Mark admits once he’s calmed down enough to speak. “I feel like I’ve forced you to stay, since I’ve already been accepted into grad school here.”

“Like you said,” Jaemin says. “It’s my decision to make. And besides, it doesn’t matter what company I join, I’m gonna be a star regardless.”

“That you will,” Mark says with a wet laugh, and he sounds so fond that the pain in Jaemin’s chest starts to fade. “You… you shine so brightly, Jaem. You really are a star.”

“You are too,” Jaemin tells him. He brings his legs up onto the couch, curling into Mark’s side properly. “I want to stay with you. I can’t live without you. It’s not even a question.”

“I still wish you told me,” Mark says with a sigh.

“I promise from now on I won’t make any big decisions without telling you,” Jaemin replies honestly. He crosses his heart dramatically, and it’s worth it because Mark smiles at him, bright and beautiful and so full of love. Mark loves him. Jaemin loves him back. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re getting there. That’s what’s important. 

“And I promise I won’t get mad right away and start yelling without hearing you out,” Mark says, swooping down to plant a kiss to Jaemin’s forehead. The intimate gesture makes Jaemin tear up again, and Mark immediately coos, thumbing away the tears.

“I hate it when we fight,” Jaemin sniffles, and he probably looks like a mess but Mark doesn’t seem to care, so he won’t, either. He’s too tired to give a shit about his appearance, worn out from the crying and the fighting and the anxiety from today. 

“I hate it too,” Mark says, and Jaemin turns over so his face is pressed in Mark’s stomach. He wrinkles his nose, because Mark is still sweaty from his practice.

“Do you wanna go take a shower?” Jaemin says to Mark’s abs. Mark cards his fingers through his hair, and Jaemin pushes up into the touch for a moment before sitting upright, immediately missing the contact.

“Yeah, that’d be great. Can I borrow some clothes?” 

“Mhm, what’s mine is yours.” Jaemin gets up and follows Mark to the bedroom, watching him pick out an oversized long sleeve shirt and a pair of sweats. 

“Are you coming with me?” Mark asks when Jaemin follows him into the bathroom.

“Um, yeah.” He hesitates. “Is that okay?”

“It’s fine,” Mark says, ducking his head to hide his blush. Jaemin smiles to himself — they’ve been together for so long, seen each other naked more than he’s able to count, and yet Mark still gets shy around him. 

Jaemin undresses and steps under the spray first, adjusting the temperature of the water until it was hot but not scalding. He preferred the water a little cooler, but Mark just finished exercising and needed to loosen his muscles. He focuses on rinsing his hair just as Mark joins him, his hands on Jaemin’s waist. 

He can’t help but shudder at the touch, turning around in Mark’s hold to look him in the eyes. He doesn’t expect for Mark to move closer, but he finds himself pressed against the cold tiles as Mark brings their mouths together. It’s a promise, an apology, and an unspoken _I love you_ all in one, and Jaemin melts with a soft gasp, parting his lips when Mark licks at the seam of his mouth. His hands end up splayed on Mark’s chest, eyes closed as he’s pushed under the spray, water streaming down his face and mixing with their spit and it’s a little gross, but Jaemin can’t bring himself to care. 

“Mark,” Jaemin whines, pulling at his boyfriend until they switch positions and Mark is the one pressed up against the tiles. It doesn’t matter much though, because Jaemin presses close enough that he’s under the showerhead too, the water plastering their hair to their foreheads. Jaemin pushes Mark’s bangs out of his eyes with one hand, hauling him in for another kiss. This time it’s slower, with less heat and more affection behind it. Mark hitches his leg up on Jaemin’s hip, supported by Jaemin’s other hand, moaning softly when Jaemin bites on his lower lip.

They separate after that, and Jaemin turns to let Mark shampoo his hair, leaning back against his chest. Mark takes his time, massaging Jaemin’s scalp, helping him rinse out the suds and then repeating with the conditioner. Jaemin basks in the attention, unhappy when Mark pulls away to finish showering on his own. He studies the muscles in Mark’s back, and gets an idea.

As soon as they’re dried off, he grabs Mark and tugs him into the bedroom before he can get fully dressed, shoving him facedown on the bed in just his underwear. Mark goes along with it, body pliant from the hot shower, though he asks Jaemin what he’s doing like ten times.

“Shh,” Jaemin says, running his hand along the smooth skin of Mark’s back. “Let me take care of you.” 

He finds a big, worn towel that he doesn’t mind getting stained and gets Mark to lie down on it. Then, he reaches for the sweet almond oil he keeps in his nightstand and plops himself down on Mark’s ass none-too-gently. Mark groans, but he must know what’s happening next, because he doesn’t complain.

Jaemin pours a little bit of oil in his palm, warming it up between his hands before spreading it on the skin of Mark’s back. He doesn’t actually know anything about massages, but he has done them for Jeno more times than he can count. He starts with soft, open touches, mostly just to get Mark used to the sensation, then begins pressing harder. He finds the knots in Mark’s back and digs his fingers into them until they crack apart. Mark moans into the pillow, tensing up under Jaemin until he tells him to relax again.

“You need to relax more often,” Jaemin tells him.

“You’re one to talk,” Mark gasps, arching when Jaemin presses his fingers into a particularly bad knot. “Ah, _fuck._ ” 

Jaemin stares. Mark is really hot when he cusses. It’s a problem. 

“Fuck, Jaem, that really hurts,” Mark whines, and Jaemin snatches his hands away when he realizes that he’s been bullying a particularly bad knot in Mark’s lower back for quite some time now. 

“Sorry!” 

“No worries,” Mark replies easily. He moves under Jaemin’s weight, so he scrambles to get off, thankful that he had the foresight to put a towel over the sheets when Mark flips over on his back. Almond oil stains, even though it's mostly been absorbed by Mark’s skin.

Mark opens his arms, and Jaemin goes easily, flopping on top of his boyfriend and snuggling in close. It’s weird that he’s fully dressed while Mark is mostly naked, but he doesn’t want to let him up. Today was mentally taxing, and all Jaemin wants is to be close. Mark starts absentmindedly running his hands over Jaemin’s back through the fabric of his shirt, and Jaemin closes his eyes, relaxing against Mark’s chest and listening to his heartbeat. 

“Hey,” Mark murmurs when Jaemin has nearly fallen asleep. “Hey, Jaem.”

“What?” Jaemin grumbles, finally prying his eyes open when Mark starts poking his sides. He squirms away, rolling off of Mark to lay beside him, pillowing his head on his arm.

“Will you tell me what made you so upset earlier?”

Oh, right. He was hoping Mark had forgotten. Jaemin squeezes his eyes shut, blowing his breath out slowly in an effort to stall. Mark takes his hand and rubs his thumbs over his knuckles — a gesture that’s meant to be comforting, but makes tears spill down Jaemin’s cheeks before he can stop them.

“It’s stupid,” Jaemin says, voice wavering. 

“It’s not stupid if it makes you upset,” Mark replies gently. He’s so gentle with Jaemin, even though Jaemin is both taller and stronger. He treats Jaemin like he’s something precious. Jaemin feels like he’s worth something, in Mark’s eyes. He can never give this up.

Jaemin sighs. Relents. “Why don’t you ever show me your songs?” 

“What?” 

Jaemin covers his face with his hands and tries not to get worked up. “You never show them to me. You’ve shown Donghyuck, and Jeno. And Taeyong and Lia, but you’ve _never_ shown me. And I—I just don’t understand _why_ —“ he cuts himself off with a sob. _Damn it all_.

“Oh.” Mark scrambles to sit up, tugging Jaemin into a hug. He tries to resist, but Mark pulls at him until he gives up, curled awkwardly in Mark’s embrace. “Oh, _Jaemin._ ”

“I told you it was stupid,” Jaemin sniffled. 

“No, no. _I’ve_ been stupid. I’m sorry, I didn’t even realize that—that I was making you feel that way. If the roles were reversed, _I_ would feel shitty too. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jaemin says, sniffling again. He’s cried too much today, and tomorrow he’ll feel embarrassed about it. “I just want to know _why_.”

Mark is quiet for a moment. Jaemin’s anxiety spikes, but he tries to keep himself calm. He knows that Mark is trying to find a way to word his response. Still, he’s never been good at waiting, so he picks at the lint on the towel still spread across the bed. Taps his fingers restlessly against his thigh. 

“The reason I’ve never shown you my songs is because…” Mark trails off, covering his face with his hands. He’s unable to hide the way his ears turn red, and despite the fact that Jaemin is desperate to hear his answer, he can’t help but grin fondly and tug at one of Mark’s ears. “Stop! Gah, this is so embarrassing. Okay, the reason I never showed you was because…because they’re all about you.”

He immediately shoves his face into one of the pillows, while Jaemin sits there stunned. It only takes him a few seconds to recover, and then he immediately starts tugging at Mark’s arm.

“What do you mean they’re about me?” Jaemin demands. “Mark Lee, answer me this instant!”

Mark rolls over, and his face is still stained a pretty scarlet. He can’t even meet Jaemin’s eyes. “Exactly what it sounds like! How else could you interpret that sentence?!”

“Mark Lee,” Jaemin says dramatically, sitting up on his knees. “Are you saying I’m your muse?”

Mark sighs, though his blush darkens visibly. “Yeah, Jaemin. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

And Jaemin can’t control himself from throwing his arms around Mark’s neck and kissing him as deeply as possible. The world around him disappears until there’s nothing left but the softness of Mark’s mouth against his own, the heat radiating off of his skin, and the hands that rest tenderly on his waist. Jaemin presses closer still, fire coiling low in his gut as he kisses Mark until their lips are swollen and his jaw aches. He slows his pace when Mark begins rubbing gentle circles on his back, their kisses turning soft and chaste until Jaemin feels satisfied enough to pull away. He still grabs Mark and flips them over so he’s lying on top, his weight a comfort like a security blanket. Mark doesn’t complain about this turn of events, so Jaemin hugs him tight around the waist.

“Will you show me them now?”

Mark squirms a little, tucking his face into Jaemin’s neck. The warm puff of his breath tickles Jaemin’s skin. “Will you wait until they’re done? I want them to be perfect.”

Jaemin softens. “Of course.”

Mark pulls back and offers Jaemin a blinding smile, his nose scrunched up and eyes curved into crescents. Jaemin swears his heart skips a beat.

“Love you, Jaem.”

“Love you too, Mark.”

“Mark.”

A whisper in the dark. Mark stirs under the blanket, but falls silent again. Moonlight shines through a gap in the curtains of Mark’s bedroom, staining the bed in silver. Jaemin watches the silhouette of the tree branches cast on the covers dance in the wind. He shakes Mark’s shoulder.

“Mark, wake up.”

“Hnngh.”

It’s the night before Mark’s graduation ceremony. It feels like the year has gone by so fast. Mark’s doing a summer internship for one of his professors, and Jaemin is volunteering as a teacher’s assistant for a local dance studio. Things are changing so quickly, but Mark is the one constant by his side.

“Mark!”

“Huh? Wha’shappenin’?”

Mark props himself up on one elbow, squinting blearily at Jaemin in the dark. He looks softest like this, half asleep with his cheeks puffy and his hair in complete disarray. He’s so very pretty. 

“Do you want to get married after we graduate?”

Mark gives him a look of disbelief. “Of course, but did you really need to wake me up for that?”

 _Of course._ He says it so casually. Jaemin always thought he was crazy for thinking of marriage when he was so young, but the more he thought about it, the more he wanted it with Mark. 

“Just checking,” is all Jaemin says in reply. 

There must be something in his expression that makes Mark sit up properly, eyebrows furrowed with concern. “You okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine,” Jaemin replies, seeking Mark’s hand under the covers and intertwining their fingers. “It’s just... everything is changing so fast. I’m a little scared, honestly. Especially because you’re graduating and I’ve still got another semester to go. I guess it’ll be weird, that’s all. To not be going to the same school anymore.”

“Hey. Look at me.” Mark sounds uncharacteristically serious, so Jaemin looks at him. “We’re going to be fine, okay Jaem? I know everything’s changing right now, and I know you’re scared, but I’m here for you. You have me, and Hyuckie and Nono. You’ll be okay.”

Jaemin sighs, pulling his hand away. “I guess I’m just not looking forward to being unable to see you most days. We’re already so busy now, what’s it gonna be like when you move halfway across the city?”

To his surprise, Mark pulls away, shoving the blankets off of his legs as he leans so far over that Jaemin thinks he’s going to fall off the bed. He grabs something Jaemin can’t see, and takes his hand again, placing something cold and flat in his palm. 

It’s a key.

“I thought it would be nice if we moved in together,” Mark says. “The apartment I’ve gotten is close to the bus station, and it’s like a twenty minute ride to your school. If…if you want, I mean.”

“Oh, Mark.” Jaemin is already crying, just a little bit. “Of course I want to live with you.”

Mark beams, bright and a little bashful. “I told you Jaemin, you’re it for me.”

Jaemin grins back helplessly. “You’re it for me too, Mark Lee. Always have been, always will be.”

Even in the dark, Mark’s eyes light up, and Jaemin swears he’ll always remember Mark’s smile in that moment. 

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/jaemarkism)  
>  [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/jaemarked)


End file.
